It seems like a lot of things I read are always trying to make everyone be a better person. Love more, be kind, do service, and other ambiguous nonsensical things like that. What I haven’t found is how to make yourself a perpetual victim. I mean, where is the step to step guide on that? These are hard times and if you don’t know how to be a victim yet, when will you learn? Luckily, I have made a super easy step by step plan for anyone to become a victim.
1. Have incredibly high expectations. I want you to set your expectations so high that no one could ever possibly reach them and you can then feel disappointed all the time. I want you to expect your significant other to read your mind, your children to be perfectly behaved, and I want you to definitely have the highest expectations with yourself. Make sure you plan on losing the rest of your baby weight within a few weeks, have your house and yard look spectacular, always, and make sure you say yes to everyone and do everything anyone asks of you, while looking fantastic.
2. Get offended by EVERYTHING! This one seems to be a no brainer. If someone has the audacity to offer an opinion different than yours, get offended. Also, if someone makes a mistake, even if they say sorry, get super offended. Someone didn’t talk to you? Offended. And if you have to try to make someone see your point of view and they still won’t budge and agree with you, super offended.
3. Compare your weaknesses to others' strengths. You already know you’re amazing so it might be hard to even see that you might have a weakness, but in the rare chance that you might have one make sure you compare it to someone who is way better than you. You’ve decided to start running and you’re not very fast, well then, make sure you compare yourself to your neighbor who has been running for five years. Your neighbor is faster than you even after you’ve been running a full week, what the heck?!? Life can be so unfair!
4. Always assume the worst in everyone. Your best friend didn’t call on your birthday, so assume that she hates you now and wants nothing to do with you. You waved to your neighbor and they didn’t wave back, just know that they wish you weren’t in the neighborhood anymore. Your husband is late for dinner, obviously he is thinking of another woman. Obviously. The cashier is friendly to the customer in front of you, but then rude to you, assume it’s because you are ugly or stink. If anyone doesn’t respond how you think they should, make sure to jump to craziest of conclusions and know that that is probably the only explanation for their behavior.
5. Notice what other people have that you don’t. Your life is terrible. Look at your neighbor’s new boat, you don’t have one. Your sister is going on a fantastic trip, you’re not. Your friend’s husband loves to buy your friend flowers, but your husband thinks that’s a waste of money. The bottom line is to make sure to pay attention to what everyone else has that you don’t.
6. Give complete control of your emotions to other people. It is everyone else’s responsibility to make you happy. They also have to be careful because they can make you angry and frustrated. Make sure you point out to others who are affecting you negatively and let them know that they need to change so you can feel happy.
7. Make sure you know anything bad that has happened to you is never your fault. This is the best step. Your team lost, it was the ref's fault. You got pulled over for speeding, it was probably one of your kids’ fault. Just know that if anything goes wrong, you’re never to blame, you’re never wrong.
There you have it. Your step by step of how to become a perpetual victim. Remember that if things are going right in your life, it’s someone else’s fault.
Seriously though, I have played the victim card before and it stinks. This is really a step by step guide to be completely miserable. I have to had work on all of these steps and overcome every single one of them. Over the next few months I will be going over each of these steps and giving you ideas of how to change your mindset, so instead of being the victim you get to be the heroine of your story.